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A Letter From China to the Norwegian Killer

Many Chinese netizens could not comprehend the atrocities committed by Anders Behring Breivik in Norway. But they are less concerned about the motives and ideologies of Breivik. In their eyes, Norway is a paradise, where people enjoy a high standard of living and do not need to confront the pressures of survival. How could it happen?

To explore this question, a female Chinese netizen Fatty Flower has written a long letter [zh] to Breivik on her Douban blog. She suggests Breivik to be a Chinese in his next life so that he can appreciate how lucky he is to be born as a Norwegian. Written in a highly satirical manner, the letter reads like a rambling of the life struggles that ordinary Chinese have to face right from their birth. The post proved a hit and was reprinted in numerous other channels, including the Guangzhou newspaper Southern Metropolitan Daily.

Below is a translation of the original post, together with a few selected comments in the readers’ section:

你好布雷维克,我是一位来自中国的女青年,几天前听说你杀了至少86个人,今天晚上借着拉屎的时间,我酝酿了下思路,决定写一封信给你,我可能做不到语气平静,如果各种嬉笑怒骂让你不爽,请贱量!当然我觉得你不大可能真的看到这封信。

首先,你TM真是太走运了,生在挪威这种地方,上学不要钱,从头到JB都有ZF养,娶了老婆之后,继续给你养小孩,下岗了还有钱拿能在家喝茶!拔diao 无压力说的就是你这种情况你知不知道!在遥远的东方不知道多少人羡慕你!还有你的JB!!!!你怎么就不珍惜幸福美好的生活!

中午看CCAV的报道,记者们到了你家楼下,我由衷的想赞叹一句哇塞豪宅啊!好几层啊!!!这么大占地面积你可以养一窝金陵十二钗啊!接着记者继续跟警方 来到你的农场。尼玛你居然还有农场啊!不知道占地多少公顷哟!尼玛你知道农场在中国比东厂还珍贵稀有吗!!!你知道郭芙蓉跟吕秀才的半生积蓄只够买一个牛 棚吗!你到底有没有在好好生活啊!

你说你杀这么多人,到底图个啥?

人活着,不就图个生有所养,老有所依吗?你从小不用喝着三聚氰胺兑的奶长大,虽然你们那里水果蔬菜贵了点,但是至少你永远都不用知道地沟油炒菜的味道,顺便说一句其实还挺美味的,羡慕吗?

寂寞了你可以出门看看海看看峡湾,空虚了滑滑雪钓钓鱼,再不然道德低下一点花钱找人亲亲你抱抱你,找基友结婚都不犯法,你还有什么不满意的?听说你爸在法 国买了房子住的挺开心,你怎么不没事儿去看看老人家,权当出国旅游啊。P.S.你知道遥远的东方平常老百姓出个国有多困难吗?

以前看电影的时候我知道欧洲有火车联票,买联票可以坐上小火车在各个欧洲国家之间穿梭,我不知道挪威有没有这个项目,不过这么美的地方,你带着老婆,出了城坐个火车,吃着火锅唱着歌,也能游得很开心嘛。

没有体验过HARD模式的人就是不知道真正艰难的生活是哪样。

我不知道你是否还有追随者或者崇拜者,如果有的话,我劝你们,赶紧各回各家各找各妈吧,你们其实幸福的像花儿一样。

中文里有一句古话叫做饱暖思yin欲。我古文不好,不知道这个yin欲是不是单纯指的性欲,我们姑且把它理解为邪念吧。其实你的行为要我说,就是五个字: 吃饱了撑的。想想非洲那些不知道食物是什么的孩子,他们可没功夫想怎么报复社会。其实这事真的该怨挪威ZF,你想啊,他们把你照顾的好好的,让你不需要为 生计发愁,人一空闲下来,就容易瞎想。你说说你自己是不是这样。所以还有一句话说:人类一思考,上帝就发笑!

听说你杀了这么多人不用死,我不知道是不是该祝贺你,毕竟自然老死很奢侈,好多人都等不到。

鉴于这辈子你可能走不监狱,于是我真诚的邀请你考虑下辈子来中国投胎。在这里,生下来你就是个操心玩意儿,黄山黄河让你便秘,长城长江让你尿急。成长的过 程里你要和毒奶粉抗争,跟瘦肉精博弈。你要上各种兴趣班,左手奥数右手英语。运气好的话,你有可能出国,回到你上辈子呆过的地方,然后长舒一口气。运气不 好的话,你要经历千军万马的高考。之后上大学,再之后要谈朋友谈工作了吧。房子车子准备好你才可以拔diao。在拔diao的那一瞬间,你有没有觉得一丝 失落? 或者是片刻的如释重负?

不过别担心,后面的生活更跌宕起伏。你的孩子就要出生了,你要担心他的户口智力和健康,为了不输在起跑线上你玩胎教,恨不得隔着肚子教会他十八般武艺。

再之后孩子出生了,此处省略八百字,因为你都经历过,这是一个复杂又熟悉的循环。

是不是觉得还不够刺激不够操心?

没关系,我们再说说一种东西,英文叫做surprise,中文叫做意外。

这种东西在中国跟马克思主义哲学一样,从来都供大于求。

意外让你上天入地,而且意外来去匆匆,新鲜刺激还容易遗忘。

你也许会在ATM机上突然取出一笔巨款,也许会走在路上被一辆风驰电掣的三菱跑车撞飞,会在村头的大树底下被一辆卡车碾过,也许你落魄到在街头当小贩卖水 果,被一种叫做城管的警犬以破坏市容为由揍得低空掠过。也许你会被神秘BOSS怜惜,做了他的男宠,你从此有爱马仕还有玛莎拉蒂。不过也许你没有这等艳 遇,只是带着妻子孩子安安分分的生活,偶尔出去旅旅游,坐个高铁。然后你知道,你带着老婆孩子,出了城坐在动车上,是不是觉得这个场景似曾相识,好像上辈 子也经历过?别着急,你猜得中开头,却猜不中结局。

你们吃着火锅还唱着歌,突然,追尾了。

而且最刺激的是,你死了,但是在伤亡名单上你还活着。

说到这里,不知道你有没有一点心动。现在是北京时间23点11分,也到了我该睡觉的时候。千言万语最后汇成一句话,与君共勉:

Welcome to China.

Dear Breivik,

I am a young lady from China. A few days ago, I hear that you have killed at least 86 people. Tonight, I organized my thoughts and decided to write a letter to you while I was in the toilet. Forgive me for all my ridicules and the rough tone. But of course, I think it is unlikely that you will ever read this letter.

First of all, you are damn lucky to be born in Norway. You don’t need to pay anything for your schooling. Your government takes good care of every part of you, from head to penis. After you get married, you can get financial support for your children. When you are unemployed, you can get money and drink tea at home! Do you know that you live in an environment where you can make love without any pressure! In the Far East, so many people are envious of you! And your penis! Why don’t you treasure your life!

In the afternoon, I watched the report of the Central China Television and saw journalists gathering at your house. What a luxury place! With a few floors! You can raise a bunch of wives in such a big place! Then, the journalists followed the police to your farm. You have a farm! And how many hectares does it occupy! Do you know that in China, a farm is rarer than a factory! Do you know that Guo Furong and Lu Xiucai [note: two characters from a T.V drama] can only buy a cowshed with half of their life-time savings! Are you living your life properly!

You have killed so many people. That’s for what?

People strive for a good life and to age with grace. You don’t need to grow up with tainted milk. Although the fruits and vegetables in your country are a bit expensive, you will never know how they taste when cooked with illegal drainage oil. And they are actually quite delicious. Envy!

When you are lonely, you can go admire the Fjord. When you feel empty, you can go skiiing and fishing. Or, with a lower moral standard, pay someone to kiss and hug you; even engaging in a gay marriage is fine too. What more can you ask? I hear that your father has a house in France and he lives there quite happily. Why don’t you go see him, and treat it as an overseas trip? Do you know how difficult it is for us normal people in the East to go abroad?

I know from movies I’ve watched that there are cross-countries train tickets in Europe. I don’t know if they cover Norway. But in such a beautiful place, you can travel out of town by train together with your wife, eat good food and sing nice songs. How wonderful it would be.

Those who haven’t experienced it don’t really know what a hard mode of life entails.

I don’t know if you have admirers or followers. If you have, I advise them to go home. They are as blessed as little flowers.

There is a Chinese proverb, “If one is warm and well fed, one will think about wanton lust.” My classical Chinese is not good, and I’m not sure if “lust” here only has sexual meaning. Let us just take it as meaning evil. In my own words, you just direct your spare energy to the wrong places. Think about those African kids who have no ideas what food is. They just don’t have the energy to think about how to take revenge on the society. In fact, we have to blame this incident on the Norwegian government. Think about it: the government takes such good care of its people that they don’t need to worry about life. Silly thoughts come from idle people. There is a proverb: “man thinks, God laughs.”

I hear that you don’t need to die after killing so many people. I don’t know if I should congratulate you. After all, to die naturally is a luxury for many of us.

Because you probably won’t get out of prison for the rest of your life, I sincerely urge you consider to be a Chinese in your next life. Here, in the land of the Yellow Mountain, Yellow River, Great Wall and Yangtze River, life is complicated from the moment you are born. Right from the start, you have to struggle with tainted milk powder and poisoned meat. From an early age, you have to attend all those “interest classes”, learn English and train for Olympiad mathematics. If you are lucky, you will gain a ticket to go overseas, and return to the place you’ve been to in your earlier life. If you are less lucky, you have to compete with millions in the university entrance exam. After university, you will start thinking about friends and careers. You can only think about making love and having children after you have got a house and a car. After making love, perhaps you will feel lost, or the pressures of life relieved?

But don’t worry, life afterwards will be even more rocky. You child will arrive soon, and you have to start worrying about his intelligence and health. To enable your baby gain a head start, you just cannot wait but start to teach him while he was still in mom’s stomach.

Here I will omit 800 words, because you have experienced all those before. The familiar cycle starts again.

Do you think this is still not enough?

No worries, we can talk about yet another thing. In English, it is called surprise; in Chinese, accident.

Like Marxist philosophy, the supply of this thing far exceeds its demand.

Accidents come and go, let you fly and crash, and they are easily forgotten.

Perhaps a large sum of money will suddenly descend upon you at an ATM. Perhaps you will be crashed and thrown into the air by a speedy race car. Perhaps you will be run over by a truck below a tree in some remote villages. Perhaps you, down-and-out, sell fruits on the streets, and are beaten up by the city management officers. Perhaps you are selected by a mysterious boss to be his pet, and from then on you can enjoy luxurious brands. But perhaps, without such adventure, you just have an ordinary family. Sometimes, you may bring your wife and children out for a train trip. You know, you bring them out of town on a high-speed rail. Sounds familiar? Does that also happen in your last life? But wait, you guess the beginning correctly, but not the ending.

You eat good food and sing nice song. Suddenly, your train was hit from behind by another train.

The most exciting part is that you died, but on the list of casualty list you are still alive.

At this point, do you feel emotional? Now is Beijing time 11:11pm. I need to go to bed now. Let me distill what I’ve said into one sentence:

Welcome to China.

Some readers’ comments:

这位青年罪孽太深重下辈子肯定得投胎到中国无玄念了。(2011-07-27 01:00:22)

This young guy has committed too much sin. There is no question that he will be reborn in China in the next life.

哎,所以各国人出生以后都到中国做个下放锻炼,就不会那么不知道珍惜了(2011-07-27 01:46:00)

Sigh. Let people in other countries experience the harsh life in China. They will then appreciate what they already have.

挪威的监狱都比中国人住的房子强 (2011-07-27 13:43:02)

Norwegian prisons are nicer than the housing of most Chinese people.

作者不过是在调侃中国人的生存环境,一下子就给某些很有信仰、很有精神、很有觉悟的人鄙视了。(2011-07-27 11:18:50)

The author is just ridiculing the living conditions of the Chinese. This will immediately be despised by people with belief, spirituality and consciousness.

这文章还是典型的中国人思维,吃好喝足生活稳定平安就是最大的追求。所以中国人总会对很多出身很好却投入革命运动的人很不解,因为我们没有信仰,或者说,世俗生活就是我们最大的信仰。这篇文章虽然是反讽,但是还是暴露了我们这个民族的想法。(2011-07-27 09:20:00)

This article is a typical example of Chinese thinking. Having a stable life with enough to eat is the biggest life goal. Therefore, Chinese find it difficult to understand why some people with good background will throw themselves into a revolution. This is because we have no religion, or secular life is our biggest religion. Although this article is satirical, it has nevertheless exposed the thinking of the Chinese.

谁有本事把中国治理好的赶紧去参政…没这个本事那就平时多发扬光明正义,见到不义之事有勇气有智谋去改变,不要窝在豆瓣里瞎叨叨,抱怨实在是浪费了才情。(2011-07-27 13:21:26)

Those with the ability to improve China should participate in politics. If not, spread justice, and correct wrongs when you see them. Don't just complain in this forum. It is a waste of your talent.

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