Arab World: The Arab Tyrant Manual

The Arab Tyrant Manual is out, and is being tweeted as I type. On Twitter, Iyad Elbaghdadi is joined by other Twitter users to compile all the excuses we have heard from the governments of Arab countries which have had protests calling for regime change and reforms since the Tunisian uprising at the end of 2010.

Although they sound like one liners from a comic strip, the tragedy is that we have heard them all, and they have been recorded and covered by the Press. Heads of State and top government officials continue to repeat them – and they still have an audience and support in their countries. Haven't we all seen Gaddafi's supporters cheering on and clapping to his rants as he promised to annihilate Libyans rising against his 42-year-old rule. A similar story is repeating itself across the region.

Here's a snapshot of some of the lines that will go in the Arab Tyrant Manual:

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that the protests started as a pure youth movement but were “hijacked” by a foreign agenda. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Use religion. Call your state mufti and promise him a pay raise for the proper fatwa. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that the kids were tricked into protesting through X (KFC, Nescafe, drugs, sex, etc.) #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Call your favorite brown-nose celebrity (singer, dancer, soccer player, etc.). Ask to talk on TV in your support. #ArabTyrantManual

@L_Auvergnate: When things get tough, make a first one hour speech around midnight to say how much you're dedicated to your country #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say shooting on protesters with helicopters/jets/tanks is accidental #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Have a military parade. Say it's for the nation. It's actually to show them what'll come at them if they revolt. #ArabTyrantManual

@L_Auvergnate: Pretend you're open for dialogue and will do the necessary while killing protesters #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that you ruled the country out of love and service and you have no desire for power and have no money. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Bring in the boogie man of your grandfather's generation: Colonialism & imperialism. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Hold a press conference to suck up to journalists. Then, send thugs after them to punch them and smash their cameras. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Stage demonstrations in support of your rule. But don't give them flags & banners. Give them 50 bucks & an AK47. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: If foreign nations criticize, blast them for not understanding your culture. “In our culture, I rule. They obey.” #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Kill a thousand. And then say that you have no idea how they died because you haven't used force “yet”. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Have a charming interview with a famous journalist. Amanpour would do. #ArabTyrantManual

@kissmyroti: Speak about supporting #humanrights in “insert preferred european language here”, then torture those asking 4them #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Foreign agenda X (where X can be: Islamism, Zionism, Israel, Iran, USA, colonialism, imperialism…) #ArabTyrantManual

@QuimFont: Blame Israel and United States. Deposit checks from Israel and United States into Swiss account. #ArabTyrantManual

@defendfreespeak: Scare people with talk about the Brother Muslimhood #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that your people are not ready for democracy. You have to pave the way to it, by acting like a complete asshole. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that you finally understand the people. “I understand you now.” #ArabTyrantManual

@studentIslam: People don't revolt against you in their right state of mind. Al-Qaeda must be feeding them hallucinogenics. #ArabTyrantManual

@minimaliteter: @iyad_elbaghdadi make unexpected, frequent TV appearances, saying nothing at all #ArabTyrantManual

@studentIslam: Inform the uninformed that your country has no leader and that you are only a protector and brother to the people. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Say that you “got the message” and “will act on it soon”. Don't mention what “soon” means. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Tell them that if they don't go back home, the bad men will come and take away all their oil. #ArabTyrantManual

@AmbroseandDogII: @iyad_elbaghdadi [A] THEN tell them that if they don't go back home, the bad men will come and take away their families. #ArabTyrantManual

@L_Auvergnate: Invade the streets with the army to protect civilians #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Send your army into the streets. Say they are there to “protect the kids”. Have them kidnap and rape the kids instead. #ArabTyrantManual

@iyad_elbaghdadi: Pull a Bundy (“four touchdowns in one game”). Brag about your wartime achievements for your country. #ArabTyrantManual

@L_Auvergnate: Pretend your country is not like #Tunisia/#egypt/#libya/#yemen/#Syria ..#ArabTyrantManual

@EG_Freedom: Launch a gratuitous propaganda campaign against a fast food chain like KFC cos you never know, it might help somehow. #ArabTyrantManual

@EG_Freedom: Shut down communications and kill businesses even tho protesters will publish videos anyway when the inet comes back up. #ArabTyrantManual

@imstrawman: if all else fails, get in front of the camera and play the ‘victim’ #ArabTyrantManual

@chanadbh: #ArabTyrantManual Fly fighter jets over them to show them you mean business

@L_Auvergnate: Scare everyone with AlQaeda #ArabTyrantManual

@L_Auvergnate: Stage fake demos supporting you #ArabTyrantManual

@studentIslam: You never wanted to be a dictator. Your service to the people proves that. #ArabTyrantManual

@studentIslam: Declare you're an international leader, king of the kings of Africa, and your int'l status doesn't allow you to descend #ArabTyrantManual


Join the conversation

Authors, please log in »


  • All comments are reviewed by a moderator. Do not submit your comment more than once or it may be identified as spam.
  • Please treat others with respect. Comments containing hate speech, obscenity, and personal attacks will not be approved.