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China: Tough blogging the Communist Congress

Day One of the Seventeenth National Congress of the Communist Party of China has wrapped up, China's image of a sterile dictatorship remains secure, a delegate has been kicked out, an investigative reporter's career has turned into pulverized coal dust, and while Chinese media, desperate, might have hope of covering these nation-changing conventions one day, they're playing Spot the Difference with newspaper front pages from across the country on their blogs and mocking all the sloganeering via their MSN Messenger handles.

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The blogging class, nonetheless, is watching closely, and while the concrete significance of what comes from the Congress (十七大 or 大大大大大大大大大大大大大大大大大 for blogability) might not even be known for a few more years, there's toilet humour for the meantime.

On that note, independent aggregator Bullog blogger Song Shinan caught the official press conference the day before the Seventeenth Congress opened, and then wrote this:

史上最胸有成竹的新闻发布会

The most pre-arranged press conference in history

刚看了15+2新闻现场会的直播,有一些小发现和小祝福,如下:

I just watched the 17th Congress live news broadcast, and I have some tiny observations and blessings. Such as:

1、剧本感很强,之前的排练很下功夫。

1. There's a very strong scripted feel, much effort was put into rehearsal.

2、新闻发言人朗诵讲稿的水平大约与某县税务局局长操高潮同志相当。(操高潮同志演讲模板点此进入)

2. The news spokesperson's recital lecture skills are about on par with those of x county Tax Bureau chief comrade Cao Gaochao. [操高潮/Cao Gaochao literally translated is approximately ‘bang out an orgasm’] (Click here for the text of comrade Cao Gaochao's lecture)

3、国内记者疑似托儿,国外记者疑似钦点。

3. Mainland journalists suspect those being allowed to ask questions, and foreign journalists suspect the entire Congress is staged.

4、国外记者常常作不耐烦状,抓耳挠腮、咳嗽,找中国同行说悄悄话遭遇冷脸蛋。

4. Foreign journalists kept making impatient moves, fidgeting, coughing, whispering things to their Chinese counterparts only to be met with stone-cold faces.

5、国内记者一见镜头摇过来就赶紧做记录状,速度高达1字/10秒。

5. Mainland journalists, the second they saw the camera turn toward them, quickly began making like they were taking notes, faster than one character per ten seconds.

6、没有特写镜头时,绝大多数记者都不作记录状,因为晓得有通稿。

6. When the close-up camera moved off them, the vast majority of journalists stopped pretending to be taking notes, because they know there will be a distributed report.

7、新闻发布会有通稿,就像世界杯决赛的现场直播变成实况录像一样。

7. Press conferences with pre-arranged press reports are just like watching live broadcasts of the World Cup finals.

8、同声交替传译之女译员尤其从容。

8. The simultaneousconsecutive interpreter was definitely taking her time.

9、热烈祝贺15+2胜利闭幕。

9. I warmly wish the Seventeenth the best in lowering the curtain.

And then the comments:

由此可见,新闻发言人可能是某个不得志的跑龙套演员,但终于在党的爱抚下,休成正果。

From this we can see, the news spokesperson is quite possibly a failed bit actor who with The Party's caress, finally found his motivation.

都是演员,就看谁能获奖了!

They're all actors! Just watch which ones win the awards!

四一哥,你答应给我安排的跑龙套的角色,不是那种没得台词,躺在地上装死尸的吧?
如果四一哥给我安排的是《色,戒》里面易先生那种,可以用不同体位操王佳芝的角色,我就会认为四一哥是世上最聪明最绝顶最才华最横溢最幽默最风趣最悲天最悯人的短篇小说之王。

Song Shinan, that extra role you promised to give me, it's not a non-speaking role, where I just lie on the floor and pretend to be dead, is it?
Brother, if you were to give me a role like Mr. Yee in ‘Lust, Caution’, a role where I could fuck Wong Chia-chi in different positions, man I'd think you were the smartest, best, most gifted, talented, humorous, witty and compassionate king of the short story.

我可以考虑给你一个易中天先生那样的角色,跟不同的市委书记用不同的体位写书。

I can consider giving you a role like that of Mr. Yee (易/Yi lit.: easy) ‘s, writing a book with different city Party Secretaries in different body positions.

我靠,那就不叫易先生了,叫毛先生。

Damn, that's not called Mr. Easy, that's called Mr. Mao (skin).

没有什么变化

Nothing's really changed..

“操高潮”这名起得真有水准

“Bang out an orgasm”, that's a mighty fine name.

“国内记者疑似托儿,国外记者疑似钦点。”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
就算新闻记者是无冕之王,但天朝还是锤镰听政。

“3. Mainland journalists suspect those being allowed to ask questions, and foreign journalists suspect the entire Congress is staged.”
Even if journalists were kings without a crown, the hammer and sickle courts are still in session behind the screen.

各大门户网站在讨论惩治腐败这么无聊的话题!!!!

All the main portal sites are just discussing the fight against corruption, this boring subject!!!!:

人民网北京10月13日电(记者 王倩)党的十七大召开在即,人民网网友“对党说句心里话” 和“强国论坛”的讨论红红火火,不断升温。网友在留言中热情洋溢地预祝十七大圆满召开,字里行间透露出对党和祖国的无限热爱。

Oct. 13, People's Daily Net (reporter: Wang Qian), as the Party's Seventeenth Congress prepares to open, People's Net reader discussions in “Speak to the Party from the Heart” and “Strong Country” forums are red-hot with activity, and the temperature just keeps going up. Reader comments overflow with wishes for a successful conclusion to ‘Seventeenth’, and from between the lines can be seen endless devotion to the Party and the motherland.

惩治腐败,重拳出击

The fight against corruption, a heavy attack

最令网友深恶痛绝的是党员干部的腐败问题,很多网友提出“希望党的十七大能够带来反腐倡廉的气象!”

What netizens despise most is the problem of corrupt Party members and cadres, with many netizens proposing “hope that the Party's ‘Seventeenth’ can bring back the atmosphere of anti-corruption and clean governance!”

张家口市网友“山水人家”说:“我希望在这次会议上,对有关党员干部的廉政监督制度得到进一步的切实加强,从制度上加强对党员领导干部的廉政监督,增强党员干部防腐拒变的制度约束,让那些想贪污的家伙没有可乘之机。”

Zhangjiakou resident ‘Landscaper’ says: “I hope that in this meeting, the clean government system of supervision of Party members and cadres will be realistically reinforced, that the system will reinforce supervision for clean governance over Party members and cadres, and strengthen the enormous systematic anti-corruption restrictions on Party members and cadres, and cut those guys thinking of accepting bribes off at the pass.”

…[series of similar netizen slogans redacted]…

截至10月13日8时,人民网“对党说句心里话”栏目的留言已经达到8443条。网友们踊跃地畅谈新生活,诉说新期待,围绕党的建设和国家发展建言献策,数量不断刷新。

And by 8 o'clock on October 13, the People's Daily Net “Speak to the Party from the Heart” section had already received more than 8,443 comments. Netizens enthusiastically and openly discuss their new lives, confide their new expectations, offering advice revolving around construction of The Party and national development, and the number of comments keeps on rising.

不得不拜阿,操高潮同志

You can't help but salute him, this ‘Comrade Bang out an Orgasm’

“没有特写镜头时,绝大多数记者都不作记录状,因为晓得有通稿。”
该句有误。实际情况上是——地球人都知道——通稿只能用新华社,一版版面安排全部由人日总编室传真。

“When the close-up camera moved off them, the vast majority of journalists stopped pretending to be taking notes, because they know there will be a distributed report.”
This line is mistaken. What actually happens—and the whole world knows this—is that only Xinhua pieces can be used, and a whole page is reserved for what the editor-in-chief of People's Daily sends out.

李东生啊,李东生!

Li Dongsheng! Oh, Li Dongsheng! [‘Seventeenth’ news spokesperson]

“没有特写镜头时,绝大多数记者都不作记录状,因为晓得有通稿。”
该句有误。实际情况上是——地球人都知道——通稿只能用新华社,一版版面安排全部由人日总编室传真。
__________________________________-
还有国外记者呢,国外记者还假装提问了呢,四一没错。

“When the close-up camera moved off them, the vast majority of journalists stopped pretending to be taking notes, because they know there will be a distributed report.
This line is mistaken. What actually happens—and the whole world knows this—is that only Xinhua pieces can be used, and a whole page is reserved for what the editor-in-chief of People's Daily sends out.”

And foreign reporters? What about the foreign reporters pretending to ask questions? Song Shinan got it right.

听说五毛党长工资啦

I hear the 50 Cent Party is upping their wages…

Siyi哥哥,那个操高潮同志可是你客串的?

Is ‘Comrade Bang out an Orgasm’ for real or did you make this up?

否,乃是真人也。

中国地大物博,尤盛产各类公仆。中国当今之政府,乃史上规模最大之政府,出个把操高潮,很轻松,很愉快。

Nah, he's a real person.
China's a big place with abundant resources, especially when it comes to civil servants. China's government today is the largest one in history, something like ‘bang out an orgasm’ comes quite easily, even pleasantly.

也只有 罗伯特·罗德里格斯 的《恐怖星球》恐怖星球 的对白 能够招抚他了!
人渣!
无语了!

Robert Rodriguez’ Planet Terror is the only place good enough for him!
Scum!
Meh!

拜读了“操高潮”同志的大作,确实是我党工作报告的典范。希望同志们得以大力推广。

I read ‘Comrade Bang out an Orgasm's’ masterpiece, it's definitely a classic Party work report. I hope we comrades work hard to spread it around.

操高潮同志的报告居然和我单位的报告几乎一样。

Comrade Bang out an Orgasm's report is actually just like the ones we have where I work.

这么多年了,一点进步都没有。

After all these years, there hasn't been the least bit improvement.

Hu Jia, still blogging away at MSN Live Spaces as he goes through life, day 150 of his ongoing holiday spent held captive in his home in Beijing's Bobo Freedom City—now with twenty state agents stationed outside his door, he notes, and several hundred more days until next year's Olympics will close—one of the few bloggers in the country to write anything critical of the Congress [zh], has seen enough certain improvement to compile a list of several Guinness world records he has now applied for, from the CCP‘s incredible enrollment figures to Hu's estimated 492 government officers, agents, guards, drivers, workers and wait staff serving each Congress delegate this week as well as the associated costs and GDP stimuli—and those unaccounted for, the numbers of unruly citizens recently “harmonized” through words and violence, the numbers of foreigners recently repatriated; others like him on extended, state-enforced home stays, those in detention, prison or psychiatric wards; the highest number of television channels live broadcasting the opening ceremony for a political gathering, the most times the word democracy has ever been mentioned in a single speech given by a state leader (50-60 by Hu's count), the highest concentration (photos) of police, armed police, special police, undercover police, soldiers, other assorted security personnel and their weapons in a tourist destination and with that, the highest number of troublemakers detained in a single day.

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