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China: SARFT and farts, castrations feigned and intended: let the spoofing begin!

In a recent edition of MindMeters columnist Fang Jun's Marriagement column entitled Love in the Internet Age [zh] is a spoiler of the recently-released Hollywood movie Hard Candy:

危险的水果硬糖

Dangerous Fruit Hard Candy

《Hard Candy》是我看的第一部与网络密切相关的电影。中文翻译为《水果硬糖》,其实“Hard candy”是网络俚语,指未成年少女。

Hard Candy is the first movie I've seen that deals with internet intimacy. It's been translated into Chinese as Fruit Hard Candy [水果硬糖]; as a matter of fact, ‘Hard Candy’ is internet slang for underage girls.

开始的部分是一般人都想象得出来的网恋过程。32岁的摄影师杰夫,在网络上认识了14岁的海琳。两个星期之后,他们已经可以肆无忌惮地在网上调情:“小心心,你快去洗澡,我可以想象出你沐浴的样子”,于是他们决定见面。海琳看上去是一个皮肤白皙、发育不完全的女孩子,因为她才刚刚有过初潮。在刚见面的时候,她正在狼吞虎咽一块蛋糕,嘴上沾满了巧克力,多么天真!这种女孩让杰夫疯狂。他从未意识到噩梦马上就要开始了。
是的,如果你和网友在短暂的相识后见面,不能掉以轻心,即便对方是一个少不更事的孩子。你所掌握的关于对方的信息,前面都要打上问号。

The beginning part is just as one would imagine the process of net love. The 32 year-old photographer, Jeff, meets 14 year-old Hailey on the internet. Two weeks later they're already flirting unscrupulously online: “little girl, hurry up and go take your shower, I'll imagine what you look like in the bath,” and then they decide to meet. Hailey appears to be a fair-skinned, underdeveloped little girl, because she's just had her first period. Just as they meet, she's wolfing down a piece of cake, with chocolate smeared on her face. How innocent! This kind of girl drives Jeff crazy. Little does he know that a nightmare is about to begin.
Yup, if you meet up with an internet buddy just after knowing each other, you must not let your guard down, even if it's a harmless little girl. In front of everything you think you know about that person, you must first put a question mark.

海琳背着一个大书包。为什么?她解释说,带了几本书,言情小说。万一你爽约,我还可以翻翻书。
是吗?但是露出一角的那本看上去可不象什么言情小说。海琳一笑,哦,那是搞医学的父亲让我看的医科书,我很喜欢,但一直看不完。
后来我们知道那书包里装的是什么了。这部电影告诉我们,初次和网友见面,不是只有男人是带着工具上阵的,有时候女人也会。她们的大书包或大挎包里,可能藏着能把你变成太监的全套工具和步骤指南,或许还有电击器、长而结实的绳索、粘性十足的宽胶带。

Hailey is carrying a big book bag. Why? She explains saying she's brought a few books, romance novels. ‘In case I get stood up, I'll still have something to read.’
Is that so? One book with its corner sticking out sure doesn't look like a romance novel. What this movie tells us, is that the first time we meet net buddies, men aren't the only ones who bring along tools ‘for battle'; sometimes the women do too. Hidden in their bags or purses might just be the whole set of tools, step-by-step guide, taser, long, sturdy rope and duct tape needed to turn you into a eunuch.

海琳继续看似漫不经心地聊天,提到很喜欢某某歌手,但没有机会参加她的歌唱会。杰夫马上回应,我有她那次演唱会的mp3。顺理成章,他们到了杰夫的家里。喝饮料吗?不,海琳眼神警觉,不能喝自己未经手的饮料。她开始为杰夫调制橙汁鸡尾酒。杰夫倒下了。不能喝自己未经手的饮料,这句话对谁都适用。
杰夫被绑在了椅子上。他是一个恋童癖,涉嫌杀死海琳的好友唐娜。海琳是来复仇的。“我选择今天,是因为你的一个邻居上班去了,还有一个去旅游了!”“每次我说出一个乐队,你总是表现得像个专家,但总是晚那么几秒才答复。你注意到了吗?你对某某的评价,和亚马逊的评价一模一样!”“对了,我根本不喜欢那个歌手,我对她厌恶至极!”海琳翻出了杰夫所拍的未成年少女的裸照。她把杰夫绑在桌子上,用冰块敷在他的私处上——先麻痹,然后开始手术。杰夫恐惧至极。
影片的结局是,杰夫在海琳的威胁下自杀了。网络时代的恩怨自有网络时代的解决办法。

Hailey goes on chatting carefree, mentions that she really likes such-and-such a singer, but didn't have a chance to go to their concert. Jeff immediately replies that he has an mp3 of the concert. As logically as grass grows, they go to Jeff's house. Want a drink? No, Hailey's eyes are alert, she doesn't drink anything she hasn't mixed herself. She begins to mix a screwdriver for Jeff. Jeff falls down. You shouldn't drink anything you haven't mixed yourself; this line holds up for everyone.
Jeff is tied to a chair. He is a pedophile, suspected of having killed Hailey's friend Donna. Hailey has come for revenge. “I chose today because one of your neighbors is off at work, and another is on holiday!” “Every time I mentioned a [rock] band, you always come off sounding like an expert, but always reply a few seconds later. Have you ever noticed that your reviews of all those bands are exactly the same as the reviews found on Amazon.com?” “Yeah, I never even like that band, in fact I really hate them!” Hailey flips through all the nude photos Jeff has of underage girls. She ties Jeff to the table, spreads ice over his private parts—first to numb, and then operate on. Jeff is extremely frightened.
The story ends with Jeff, having been threatened by Hailey, killing himself. Scores in the internet age have internet age ways of settling themselves.

More on the internet+castration theme in a post from IT blogger Shanhe which looks at the passing of a recent law aimed at stifling the growing trend of posting cultural jamming-type videos online. More than just raising questions about the divisions of authority among China's regulatory bodies, bloggers across China read the news not with disappointment but with glee, thanking the increasingly anachronous government body for ensuring spooftastic blogging material for months to come:

互联网在我们这个国度发展了十多年了,不知道什么时候,广电总局,对就是那个管广播电视的部门突然关心起来互联网了,还制定了一个《广电总局拟加强监管网络视频制作短片需获许可》我看后,心里总有不吐不快的感觉。这样一个规定,是多么可笑的一个规定!

The internet has been developing in our country for over ten years. Somewhere along the way, the department responsible for overseeing broadcast television, the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), suddenly started concerning itself with the internet, and even came out with new regulations on internet video shorts. After seeing that, I had to speak out. A regulation like this is just too silly!

首先,互联网属于信息产业,属于信息产业部来管理的,这牵涉整个行业的一个规定,无论如何都应该少不了信息产业部的文件吧,可是,我看到这里似乎没什么信产部的事情,你广电不允许互联网公司搞IPTV,你怎么就管起来互联网的事情呢?你这手宽了吧!我要说你这信产部,平时挺跋扈的,一个GFW将国际互联网公司整的没脾气,这个中国互联网都是你的地盘,你要看着呀,不要求你为互联网做出多大贡献,现在广电捞过界了,你怎么屁都不放一个呢?

First off, management of the internet is the jurisdiction of the Ministry of Information Industries (MII). This regulation involves the entire industry and no matter what, shouldn't be below the MII. But, up until now I haven't seen anything from the MII. SARFT, you already don't allow internet companies to offer IPTV, so why are you still interfering with the internet? As for the MII, you're domineering enough as it is; the Great Firewall has effectively curbed international internet companies’ tempers. The Chinese internet is your turf, you need to watch over it. You weren't ever needed to do much, and now SARFT has taken over. Why haven't we heard so much as a fart out of you?

再说了,看看这规定“互联网上传播的,利用一切视音频摄制设备“拍摄、录制的,由可连续运动的图像或可连续收听的声音组成的视音频节目”,均属广电总局监管范围之列。”,也就是说,你结婚拍的纪念视频,你手机上拍的隐私视频都是属于广电总局的,都要广电总局允许你才可以拍,才可以给人看。一句话,以前我们生活的好好的,并没有危害到任何其他人的生活的这些行为都可能是违法的。一个规定就剥夺了我们之前的合法权益!我想问,宪法规定了政府可以这么随意剥夺老百姓的正常权益吗?宪法我在普法学习过,似乎没有规定政府可以这么做,相反,我记得行政许可法规定了,我们的政府应该怎么执行行政规定,怎么制定行政法规,广电总局的官僚们,你们由学习过吗?顺便问一句,你这三个代表了吗?八荣八耻你知道吗?我说错了,不懂法没关系的,当官的不懂法,不可耻吗?最为讽刺的是,这样的一个规定消息,竟然发自法制日报!这不得不让人佩服社么叫讽刺!!

Again, pay attention to this regulation: “anything broadcast on the internet, shot or recorded using any audiovisual equipment, continuous moving images or continuously heard sounds constitute audiovisual programs” all of which fall under scope of SARFT supervision and management. In other words, the souvenir video you shoot at your wedding, the intimate video you shoot with your mobile phone, all belong to SARFT, and need SARFT's permission in order to be shot or before you can show others. In a few words, previously we went about life as normal, but now these behaviors, which don't endanger other people's lives, are now possibly illegal. A law has deprived us of our previously-held legal rights and interests! I'd like to ask, does a constitution-abiding government so freely deprive civilians of their normal rights and interests? I studied the consitution in common law, and there doesn't seem to be any law which allows the government to do things like this. On the contrary, I remember that administrative permissions law stipulates how our government should go about implementing administrative regulations. SARFT bureaucrats, have you studied it? While I'm at it, how about the Three Represents? The Eight Virtues and Eight Shames? Let me correct myself: don't understand the law? No worries! Officials not understanding the law isn't shameful? The most ironic of this all is that information about this regulation actually originated in the Legal Daily. This can't help but leave one admiring that thing called irony!!

其实,说穿了,这样的一个规定无非是看到了这个市场的发展巨大,而我们的所谓职能部门最喜欢的就是制定法规限定剥夺老百姓的正常权益,然后,你老百姓的正常需要非法,你就需要依附权利进行赎买,这就是腐败的源泉。再一个,广电的法规出来,有没有想过实施怎么搞?你监管自己行业的乱七八糟的事情都搞不过来,你还管得了互联网个事情?有时间,你把数字电视标准整清楚,把儿童不宜的电视剧清除出儿童频道,把你电台电视台的垄断暴利,以及电视上乱七八糟的IVR SMS广告给屏蔽掉吧!还有农村很多地方还不能够从电视上看到党的指示,者你更应该关心吧!

Actually, to put it plainly, this kind of regulation is nothing more than our so-called functioning departments, having seen how massive this market has grown, doing what they like most and implementing legal restrictions which deprive civilians of their legal rights and interests. Then, when with us civilians’ normal needs now illegal, you'll need to pay to obtain your rights. This is where corruption begins. Another thought, now that SARFT's new law has come out, have they thought through how to put it into effect? You can't even manage the messy affairs of your own industry, and now you want to take care of internet affairs? If you have time, you can work out standards for digital television and eliminate unsuitable children's shows from children's channels, monopolize your radio and television stations and reap the sudden profits, as well as screen out the crazy IVR SMS ads on television. Further, many rural areas still have no way of receiving Party instruction on television; this is something you should be worrying about!

Back to MindMeters‘ Fang Jun, who proposes a start to SARFT spoofing:

中国的法律法规向来有个好处,你可以制定,我可以不遵守。至少对于个人来说是这样,小公司也可以这么玩,所以大家继续玩。
又,哪个高人演绎一个中国广电总局版的歌曲《FXXK you very much, FCC》。FCC歌曲的歌词,MP3音频. Wiki介绍。

China's laws have always had one distinct advantage; you can establish them, and I can disregard them. At least this is the case in regards to individuals; small companies can also play this game. That's why everyone should keep on having fun. Also, which smart guy will come up with the SARFT version of the song FXXK You Very Much, FCC? The FCC song's lyrics, mp3 and wiki introduction.

2 comments

  • Ken

    完全同意。这是中国,电信、电台电视台、银行等,都是垄断行业。国家之会制定对垄断行业有利的法律,巩固垄断。《广电总局拟加强监管网络视频制作短片需获许可》的消息传出后,各大媒体也在找些题材来附和着。真恶心!

  • […] Related translations from John Kennedy at Global Voices: SARFT and farts, castrations feigned and intended […]

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