Arranged marriage & the role of parents

A sarcastic post of a vibrant Bangladeshi-Canadian girl:

If this daughter is not married to some Muslim guy (she is ‘permitted’ to bring a Pakistani guy *horror*) by next August, …she will apparently be seeing Mrs. Mother's dead face. If you want to save the life of a 40 something, attractive, slightly dramatic Bengali mother …apply now.
Applicant must be:
– virile
– a Bengali Muslim
– able to sign his name
– from a nice family who like to keep their woman on a leash.

People may laugh because of the comic elements of the post, but if you read in between the lines you will hear the wails of a free bird about to be caged. How can she confront her mother who had sworn such thing?

She ends with:
Apply now and don't let forever bind you together. Please note that applicant is allowed a leave of absence of ‘eternity’ from married life starting the same day following a wedding band exchange ceremony.

Yes this is the tragedy of many arranged marriages when fixed arbitrarily by the South Asian parents. When parents go looking for a spouse for their child they usually consider superficial criteria like religion, ethnicity, financial condition and even horoscope. In absence of pre-existing mutual attraction of the partners or even some sort of communication and understanding before reaching at the final decision to marry, is horrifying for a smart and educated individual. And often they end up with a uncomfortable relationship they had never dreamt of. I hope Mrs. Mother reads her daughter's post.

Much have been discussed about arranged marriage here, here & here.

30 comments

  • thierry14

    Hey ppl,

    Well.. guess what.. your stories ring true even in australia!

    i’m from india, lived most of my life in aus, she came a couple of years back.. we met last year.. fell in love.. we had same religion.. parents were same town.. we don’t believe in caste/class.. but apparently they were lower caste..but that didn’t matter to me or my family. Her parents came to visit her in aus, and they made her marry an indian from their village .. only things that counted against us was our age(both in mid-20s) and me beign too aussie..

    she didn’t even break up with me before this.. so i feel cheated.. I don’t fall for the ‘i still love u’ stuff.. If she ‘really’ did, she would be with me now.. I don’t doubt the family blackmail is hard to deal with.. I supported her as much as I could.. but her family is her problem.. and she didn’t want to go against them even if it meant her being unhappy, and i was caught in the middle of an evil culture I never want to be part of.

    moral of the story.. don’t fall for someone until you meet the family.. and if they are not being honest with their family about love, then it’s not worth the risk! your too important to get mixed up in all this garbage..

    I wish I read something like this before ..

  • Sana Ahmed

    Arranged marriages…
    My future?
    I dont even know. My parents tell me that it’s about love, that when you get married in our desi culture, the love comes eventually. They said it’s about trusting your parents, and doing the duty, and the honor of what is expected of you. They would obviously know, they had an arranged marriage…
    My only problem is that I have grown up in America since I left my home country of Pakistan when I was 5. Since then I have been more American than Pakistani/Indian (I am both), and I dont want an arranged marriaged (she said as she told her accentric Pakistani mother the other night and is now “grounded”….), and also, I am in love. He’s half indian, half pakistani, Muslim, and perfect. Do I want to marry him? I dont know, problem number three is that we’re both 16. Which goes back to arranged marriages because we’re not supposed to “be in love” according to Islam, Pakistan, and mommy. So what now?
    My best friend is also 16 and her engagement is planned for the end of 2010. We’re both shocked and she’s torn between what she knows she has to do (marry the freakin 25 year old Pakistani doctor) and what she wants to do (go to college, be independant and take care of her challenged baby sister…)
    vat to do?
    :D
    We cant dissapoint our parents, if I did (which I DO, everyday, I mean I am wearing jeans for God’s sake), the poeple most shocked would be my family in Pakistan and India.
    It’s the culture…though I can never bring myself to say I hate it, being in America has given me a different outlook on life and a different expectation for myself and my future. No matter how much my parents dislike it.
    Yet I remain confused.

  • Zephy

    I didn’t know what I was getting myself into when I decided to data Bengali. I’m a latina, and catholic. I fell hard for him and I’m still in love with him and he still loves me…but this whole arranged marriage thing is just heartbreaking. All these stories are heartbreaking…you should be with the one you love, be able to be happyy in life. I will not be happy settling for someone else in my life when he is truly the only one I want and need…he’s the sweetest guy on this earth, and my best friend…
    Parents can be so blase towards their own child’s feelings! Don’t you want your child to be happy and not forcing a smile on the life they live from day to day? Some couples run away but in reality, its not that easy! First of all there’s the guilt of betraying your parents even though you’re not their biggest fan.
    I dunno, I’m only 15. But I know what I feel is real. This is real. I’m not saying all arranged marriages are unsuccessful, some of them are. But if you’re already in love…its not right at all. You’ll be scarred for life…the pain will never go away, never…
    I love him so much. So much. He’s gonna get married to a pretty bengali girl when he’s 18 and there’s nothing I can do about it. Its complicated.
    I don’t want anyone to feel the pain I feel, or the heartbroken forbidden lovers feel. ♥ &don’t judge me please only cuz I’m 15 =/

  • Izzy

    I’m about to get married in a month with a man I truly love. We’ve been together for 4 yrs now. My only problem is, his mother is not happy with me. I know for a fact because she wants him to be with someone in Cambodia since day one. He doesn’t agree with her one bit, but it hurts me to know that she is not 100% pleased with me. I respect my culture in all but I was born and raised in America and I told my parents, as long as I don’t screw up or be those kind of bad girls, then they shouldn’t worry about me. We live and learn in life; it’s all a part of growing up. I can’t just meet someone in a day and say that I love him. I feel like you’re lying to yourself; that’s sad. I need to love someone truly and get to know that person before I make a lifelong commitment.

  • is arranged marriages really bad? that sounds like forced marriages to me.

  • MimiCandy

    When i was young my mom kept telling me that “oh your going to get arrange marriage”.”Oh why are you all dressed up, it’s not like your going to arrange marriage meeting”. She doesn’t even speak english, she can’t even help me with my college stuff/highschool. She doesn’t know anything. I mean yeah i love her and all/ But I mean she can’t even help me with my school nd career future. She won’t even let me do what I want when i was young. Why ruin my future marriage life? I had to do everything by myself. I like this american boy, he is amazing. He’s my best friend,lover,and everything i ever wanted. but my mom was like americans are scumbag they’re gonna dump you any moment. They’ll cheat on you and blah blah blah. So she arranged a marriage for me… to A GUY I DONT EVEN KNOW!!

  • matchfinderbm

    Sorry for the girl :( Yes, I could not marry my girlfriend because of arranged marriage system here

    Dheevara matrimony

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